Debbie Gail Zane

Is it possible to inadvertently judge your partner in your relationship, even when you think you are not being judgmental?

Maybe sometimes you minimize his feelings and other times you acknowledge them.

For example, he is feeling down because he has work stress because the company is going through some big changes.  He confides in you that he is feeling down and is concerned about the future of the company.  You remember you once went through something similar and it all worked out fine for you, so you wave your hand and say get up let’s go out to dinner you’ll feel better.  Then when he is sad because he wasn’t able to spend his daughter’s or son’s birthday with her or him, you remember you once missed your son’s birthday when you were traveling and you felt sad, so you give your partner a hug and lovingly say you really understand how he feels.

The thing is, if your partner is feeling something, whatever it is, it is real for him in that moment.  Even if you yourself would not feel the same way in that situation, that doesn’t mean his feelings are not genuine and important.  When you validate some of his feelings (the ones you agree with) and not all of them (not the ones where you would not feel the same), you are placing your own judgment on which circumstances are worthy of these feelings.

How would you feel if he supported you in some things you were experiencing while minimizing other things that seemed very important to you?

Maybe you have a migraine and you want him to hold you close and comfort you but he says it’s just a headache and it’s not life threatening, you will feel better tomorrow.  How do you feel?  Not so good probably.  Not very supported since in that moment you feel awful.

What can you do to not judge him?

You can let him know that you understand what he is feeling is real.  You can listen and hear him.  You can offer your support.  He may just want to know you are there to listen and are a loving support in his life.  Ask him if there is anything you can do to support him.

Realizing that what is important to one person may not be exactly the same as another person takes awareness.  Everyone is unique.  When you can really embrace the uniqueness of others and not assume people will feel the same way you would, that is real growth.

How you relate with others has everything to do with how you relate with yourself.

What do I mean by this?

Experiencing feelings of not being enough or of unworthiness can result in inadvertently wanting to shut down and withdrawing from others, maybe not physically but energetically.

Maybe you think this is just something that is only happening within you and that no one else sees it.

However when you feel you aren’t enough or unworthy of love, you show up for yourself in a way that reflects this.  For example maybe you speak negatively, silently or aloud, about yourself.  Maybe you do things to sabotage your happiness such as not allowing yourself to participate in an activity that could result in your having a nice time.  Maybe you ignore your needs for love and connection by denying yourself the love and caring from others.  Maybe you don’t accept kindness from others because it contradicts the harshness you are giving yourself and feels uncomfortable.  Maybe you allow others to treat you in a negative way because it feels “normal”.

How you handle and show up in your relationship with yourself plays a big role in your relationship with your partner.  The examples above may result in your closing your heart to love, thus inadvertently pushing your partner away.

In order to commit to your relationship and love, you have to commit to loving yourself.  Awareness is key and an important step.  When you start to feel insecure or unworthy or not enough or not deserving, become aware of this.  Remind yourself of your commitment to yourself and love, and make up your mind to recommit to these.  You may have to do this often and that’s okay.

I am so excited to begin offering Activation Method Group Coaching!!  Activation Method Coaching is a dynamic type of life coaching which is used to support and empower you to take action daily in your life.  It is through real actions, taught to you as Strategies, that you create the real and lasting change you desire.

Activation Method believes that you have the potential to overcome the negative patterns and beliefs which keep you from thriving and reaching your goals.

These classes will be held weekly, and monthly memberships are available now.  Know a friend who may be interested?  If you and a friend sign up for a month or more, you will both get 50% off the first month.

The first session is free and requires no commitment!  Reach out to me for details!

As a certified strategic intervention life and relationship coach, my mission is to help people empower themselves with the skills for experiencing loving relationships.