Debbie Gail Zane

If you have ever been in a relationship but felt alone, I hear you.  You want the kind of partner who listens intently to your every word, knows you inside and out so he can feel and empathize with your struggles, someone who makes you truly feel heard and understood.

And he wants this too.

How often though do we dismiss what he is saying because we would not feel the same way in the situation he is describing.  Or do we judge his reactions.  Or even listen but not really hear how much he is affected.

One of the qualities that makes a relationship really great is that of heart centered connection- when you connect with your own heart’s energy and from that energy connect with his heart, you are in a place to put yourself in his shoes and understand what is happening for him in his world from HIS perspective.

Many times we think we do this…we know he feels upset about a situation, and we can let him know we care.  But since we may not feel upset if we were faced with the same situation, we don’t really have a true understanding of what he’s going through.

But if we connect to our own heart and his, we can understand and see from his perspective.  We can offer our love and compassion on a whole new level.  One where he truly feels seen, heard, understood.

What does this entail-

 allowing him to talk while you truly listen

 really hearing him

 feeling your heart energy and then connecting with his heart

 stepping into his world and seeing what he is saying from his perspective, without any judgment

 embodying the belief that nothing he says is wrong because it is how HE feels

When both partners can do this, the relationship elevates to a whole new level.  There is no wrong or right.  There is no room for criticism.  There is no room for rejection.  There is no room for blaming.  Just love and understanding from the heart 

If you want more joy in your relationship, you need to focus on joyful things.

What you focus on you feel.  So, if you are not feeling the joy in your relationship, take an inventory…

Are you focusing on what your partner is not doing and then getting angry?  Focusing on what he is not doing every day is going to lead to resentment over time, which is toxic for you and the relationship and a block to all your loving feelings.

Are you focusing on what you fear (for example, if you are afraid of losing the relationship, are you focusing on your fear it will end)?  Focusing on a past hurt and projecting it into your current relationship is going to prevent you from being present in any joyful moments with him and lead to anxiety and insecurity.

Are you focusing on stories you are creating instead of what is actually happening (for example, taking it personally when your partner wants to do an activity alone)?  Focusing on your stories is going to leave you disconnected from reality and is going to lead to sadness.

Focusing on things that make you angry, fearful and sad will prevent you from being open to seeing the beautiful things your partner IS doing and the love he IS showing you.  Causing you to feel disconnected from his love for you and your love for him.

Take back the joy in your relationship and make more room to feel the love…

Focus on loving things…notice the sweet words your partner said to you, notice the things he does because he knows they make you happy, notice how he is caring, notice how he wants to make you happy.

Focus on what made you fall in love with your partner in the beginning…What are the things you admire about him…What are the quirks you find adorable…What makes him unique?

Focus on what you appreciate about him and the relationship……How does he show his love for you?…What things does he do to make you happy?…How is he supportive in your life?

You have a choice on what you focus on, and this will determine whether you feel JOY…or anger, anxiety and sadness.

Pain motivates change which is why sometimes it takes something really big to make a shift in energy or action.

For example, if a partner says they want to leave the relationship, the other person may suddenly be motivated to take action such as being more loving, caring and appreciative.

Or when a loved one becomes ill, realize how important they are to you and how you need to show them.

Or you become ill before prioritizing your health.

Or waiting until your children go away to college before realizing you want to have a closer relationship with them.

But why should it take the pain of losing someone or something you love to realize the value in what you have?

If you can live in a state of appreciation and gratitude for what you do have, big and small, how will you show up differently in your relationship and in the world?

Start now!  Don’t wait for pain to motivate change.

When pain shows up, you and others may have unnecessarily suffered.

Realize now all the blessings in your life.

It’s not just about starting a gratitude list, it’s about changing your state…from one where you are focusing on so many expectations to one where you are truly immersed in appreciating from the smallest to the biggest of blessings.  Where you are truly connected to love.

Managing my state by immersing myself in what I can be grateful for has been life changing for me.  I know when I have strayed from appreciation when negative emotions creep in, and this awareness allows me to connect again with what I appreciate.  To connect with love.  Because I do not want to wait for pain to show up to enjoy everything I have now!