Debbie Gail Zane

You can help your teen or young adult child by helping yourself.

Maybe you are thinking you need to devote all of your energy to the challenges you are going through with your child.

But when you focus on your own self-love and self-care, you not only help your own emotional well-being, you also put yourself in the best position to help your child.

And this is especially true when you are dealing with struggles with your son’s or daughter’s mental illness or addiction.

Self-love and self-care allow you to:

• Accept yourself, the situation, and your child’s illness.

• Not blame yourself for the struggles, and not blame your child.

• Honor and prioritize your needs, which allows you to have a deeper understanding of your child’s needs.

• Lovingly accept all your emotions, and lovingly accept your child’s emotions.

• Not judge yourself, and not judge your child

• Stop speaking to yourself in an unloving way, and speak to your child in a more loving way

When you don’t have enough self-love, you may take things personally, be more critical of yourself and your child, and it is harder to give unconditionally.

Compassion and love for yourself helps you have more compassion for your child.

Loving yourself and prioritizing your emotional well-being is an important foundation step in your parenting journey.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

I was CONSUMED by fear.  Every single day…

I would love to share my story, so that other parents on a similar journey don’t feel alone and can have hope.  Of how I turned the fear into a life of peace and purpose.  A life where I was able to build a loving relationship with my children.

It started nine years ago when my oldest son was diagnosed with a serious mental illness and then began using drugs…

I went from the initial shock and devastation to feelings of confusion, despair and hopelessness as I began to navigate the many challenges I was facing with my son’s illness and addiction.

I felt overwhelmed with fear.  Fear of what would go wrong, what would happen next, when the next shoe would drop.

I felt isolated and alone despite having many friends.

Many nights I lay awake in bed in tears, my mind going to worst case scenarios and causing what felt like endless worry about what might happen.

I experienced an emotional roller coaster when my renewed hope was eventually quashed after each time he went into treatment programs.

The stress and anxiety made me physically ill including chronic back pain, stomach pain, and headaches.

I was desperate.

I knew things for me needed to change. I just couldn’t go on like this. And, although I knew it needed to change, I had no idea how.  The fear was consuming me, as if there was no way out.  As if it was impossible.

One day I completely broke down… Friends were visiting on New Year’s Eve and I was anxiously awaiting a call from my son’s doctor (he was hospitalized for his mental illness for the fourth time and I had not yet spoken with the doctor treating him). The call went well, but I broke down in uncontrollable sobs, right there in front of my friends.

It was then that I realized I wasn’t living my life anymore. It wasn’t my own. I was only surviving, but not truly living. My life felt meaningless.

I wasn’t doing anything for me.  But even more importantly, I wasn’t enjoying the moments I had with my children. Everything was consumed by fear and worry.

I realized I had a choice as to whether I wanted to focus on the fear and uncertainty or on something that would bring me peace and healing.

I chose me. And by choosing me, I chose to enjoy the precious moments with my children. I chose to not live in fear.

I chose love over fear.

I felt empowered, for the first time in a very long time.

I also felt calmer, more relaxed, and fulfilled.

I found peace and purpose in my life.

I took control over my life, was no longer a victim of circumstance, and began doing things for me.

Through journaling and meditation, I stopped taking things personally, stopped blaming myself, changed my expectations, and rewrote my story.

I was able to release the grief over the loss of the way things used to be with my son and our life prior to his illness and addiction, and come to a place of acceptance. In doing so, I was able to embrace all of him…the whole person, feeling connected to the sweetness and kindness of his soul.

I chose love and faith over fear…I realized I had no control over my son so instead of trying to control him, I focused my energy on loving him and loving me.

I felt deep compassion for my son, seeing him as separate from his illness.

Behind my fear there was a need for certainty, but there was no certainty so instead I focused on contributing to others in a meaningful way…my children, volunteering, and through becoming a coach.  And I was able to give myself certainty in other ways daily.

Not only did I solve being overwhelmed by fear, I also had a loving relationship with my son, building precious memories that I cherish and will always remember. I was fully present for him and for my other two children.

After losing him when he was 26, I knew my life would never be the same. The pain felt unbearable, and I wondered how I would ever find a way to go on.

His death made me look at life in a different way and rethink everything. I knew I was meant for more and I did a lot of soul searching about my purpose.

My mission now is to help other parents of teens or young adults with mental illness or addiction rise above their fears and live a life of peace and purpose while building a loving lasting relationship with their child.

By helping parents on a similar journey, I am fulfilling my purpose, making my life feel so much more meaningful.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

When you are faced with a challenging situation with your teen or young adult, don’t get stuck because you can’t fix or change the situation.

It is easy to get caught up in what you can’t do.

You don’t have control over other people or situations.

And in most cases, the difficult situation is already happening.

Focusing on what you can’t do is never the solution.

It will leave you frustrated and angry.

It may lead to feelings of hopelessness and even despair.

The more you focus on what you can’t control, the worse you will feel because what you focus on determines your emotional state.

What can you do instead:

• Shift your focus to the things you can do.  What step can you take that will make a difference for you in coping with the situation or in helping your child.  Even a tiny step you can take.

• Then take action…take one step (however big or small) towards something you can do for yourself or your child.

Sending love and light,

Debbie