Debbie Gail Zane

If you are experiencing disconnection with your teen or young adult, I know this can sometimes feel very difficult as to how to go about becoming closer again.

Especially when they struggle with mental illness or addiction and you both disagree about the path for them.

You want them to be on their medications, be on a treatment plan, stay off substance use.

Things do not need to be perfect, smooth, or without difficulties, in order to be close with them.

If you are waiting for them to go back on their medications or to stop using drugs, thinking “then we can have a good relationship”, you are missing precious time.

The thing is, life can always have struggles and unpredictability.

Waiting for predictably and certainty will keep you stuck.

You can still have a loving relationship with your teen or young adult even if you don’t agree with what they are doing or not doing.

Start building back your loving relationship now, one that will withstand the ups and downs of their mental illness and addiction.

One where your relationship is the rock that grounds your child during these tough times.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

It may seem like it’s not right to forgive your teen or young adult child for their unacceptable behavior because that would mean you are condoning it.

But that is far from the truth.

Forgiveness does not mean you agree with or are okay with what they said or did.

Choosing to forgive your child means that you choose to prioritize two things –

 Your own self love and well being – forgiveness is an act of self love. Not forgiving leads to anger and resentment which become poison in your body and mind. You deserve to be free from the suffering related to holding on to anger and resentment. When you choose forgiveness, you choose to be free from the emotional state that this poison has been causing, so you can move past it and no longer have it resurface in your daily life.

 Your loving relationship with your child – the anger and resentment that build up from not forgiving negatively impacts your relationship with your teen or young adult because it permeates every interaction and communication with them. When you forgive and move on, you do wonders for your relationship because this anger and resentment is no longer constantly resurfacing in the relationship and you can be present.

Whatever your child did had nothing to do with you. It’s their own stuff coming up they are dealing with. It could be their anger at their life, their illness, their situation.

Regardless of whether they are blaming you for their behavior or not, what they are doing is not because of you.

So let go of the belief that you need to hang on to your anger at what they did because if you forgive them it would mean you are okay with what they did.

Then you can choose to prioritize you own self love and your relationship with your child.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

Focusing all your energy on things you can’t control won’t bring about change.

I know it can be frustrating when your mentally ill or addicted teen or young adult child refuses treatment.

For them to truly get better, they have to be invested in getting help, getting better, feeling better.

I know how much you want it for them, but they need to want it for themselves too in order for it to make a difference in their lives.

While you can’t make them get help, you can decide on what you want for your life and your relationship with them. And you get to set the boundaries to protect your emotional well being.

Because these are things you can do.

And I’m here to say that if you focus on what you can’t do, you will drive yourself crazy.

So make a commitment to focus on something you can do, such as…

 take care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual well being by giving yourself kindness and love, self care, and setting loving boundaries

 provide support, love, and compassion for your child by seeing them as separate from their illness and remembering and connecting with their true soul underneath

 inspire, guide, teach, advocate for your child by not giving up on them, even when things feel hopeless, holding that space for them to want healing for themselves

 being present by forgiving and not harboring anger and resentment which can carry over into future interactions and communications

And while focusing all your energy on things you can’t control won’t bring about change, focusing your energy on things you can do, will.

Sending love and light,

Debbie