Debbie Gail Zane

Is your relationship with your teen or young adult deteriorating?

When you and your child are dealing with their mental illness or addiction, sometimes the relationship can suffer.

They may lash out at you in anger, blame you, say unkind words to you, argue over treatment protocols…

I know this can feel very difficult.

You both don’t need the added stress of being emotionally disconnected.

Although you don’t have control over your child or how they show up in the relationship, you do have control over you.

And one person can make a difference in the relationship dynamics.

Some things you CAN do to have a positive impact are:

• Understanding from within your heart – Connect to their emotional world so they feel you two are on the same side (that they feel you have their best interests at heart) by putting yourself in their shoes…look at what they are experiencing from their perspective based on their way of thinking and their emotional state…not putting yourself in their shoes and seeing their situation from your perspective. Really hearing them and understanding what they feel. When they don’t feel understood, the relationship can suffer.

• Fierce commitment to loving – Commit to maintaining an emotional connection with your child even during the difficult times. It may mean you need to set boundaries to protect your own emotional state. Reframe criticism in a positive way by acknowledging the good rather than focusing on what’s negative, while keeping in your heart what you want to feel (love). Remember your relationship is something to be cherished.

• Forgive and move on – When you hang on to something your teen or young adult did that was wrong or something they said that felt hurtful, these past experiences affect your relationship now. Not forgiving causes anger and resentment to permeate your present communications and interactions with them. Anger and resentment become poison in your body and mind. Forgive, not because what they did was okay, but because you deserve to be free from the suffering related to not forgiving and because you choose to prioritize your loving relationship with them. What they did or said had nothing to do with you, it is their own stuff coming up they are dealing with.

• Of course, everyone’s situation is unique, and the amount of disconnection and difficulty being experienced is different. But even giving yourself lots of love/ taking good care of you and setting a loving boundary can shift your own energy which can help you so much, and even shift things in your relationship.

Change begins with one person, and one step…

What one step can you commit to do now to positively impact your relationship with your child?

Do you determine whether your day is good or bad based on whether your child is having a good or bad day?

When you have a child who is mentally ill or is using drugs, life can feel unpredictable.  Each day filled with uncertainty.

Will they lash out at you in anger? Will they come home on drugs? Will they argue with you about their medication?  Will they say something hurtful?

If you allow your emotional state to go up and down with your child’s, you may never get to a place of happiness or enjoy your life, your time with them, your time with your other children, your time with friends.

Having the emotional state you want begins with you.

You are not an extension of your child. You are a separate being with your own emotions and ability to create your own happiness.

Yes, there may be a crisis that needs your attention, but not every moment of your life needs to have your emotions controlled by others.

Take back control over your emotional state. You don’t have to stay in the pain. Allow yourself to determine whether you have a good day or a bad day. Allow yourself to enjoy precious moments.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

Maybe it may seem like the way to get your teen or young adult to change is to try to control them.

But this will probably not work, and here’s why…

We don’t actually have control over another person. We only have the illusion of control.

When we try to control another person, it is two people fighting for control, and we repel them.

They feel as if you are fighting against them and don’t feel inspired to come closer to you, to open up communication and share more with you.

And they don’t feel inspired to do the things you’re trying to push them to do.

In fact, they not only start to distance themselves over time, they may not do the things you want because of the battle of control.

This will not be good for you, them, or your relationship.

While control doesn’t work, there ARE things you can do.

You can help them make a plan for their well being.

You can encourage them.

You can inspire them.

You can teach them.

You can guide them.

You can be a supportive and compassionate listener.

I know it can feel very hard when they are doing things you don’t agree with.  You may feel frustrated. And you may need to set boundaries for yourself.

But remember that you don’t have control over another person and attempting to control may cause your relationship to deteriorate.

So focus on the things you can do, not the things you can’t do.