Debbie Gail Zane

It’s possible to work on having a closer relationship with your teen or young adult child even while they are struggling with issues.

You don’t have to wait until their mental illness is more under control, until they stop using drugs, or until they are making the decisions for their life that you agree with.

Yes it could be easier if your child does all these things.

But you don’t have to wait.

In fact, I don’t recommend you wait.

Because why waste what time you have with them now waiting for something to happen that you have no idea if or when will happen.

Life is precious and so are the moments with your child.

There are ways to enjoy them and improve your connection that don’t depend on them having to be or do things a certain way.

Let me know if you are struggling with this or if this feels difficult.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

If you have a child who is struggling with mental illness or addiction, please do not blame yourself.

If your teen or young adult child chooses to stop taking their medications or self medicates with drugs, it is not your fault.

And it is not your fault they became ill in the first place.

It is also not your fault if they make decisions you don’t agree with.

You have to remember that they are their own person, not an extension of you.

As a parent, you can only do the best you can with the knowledge and information you have at hand.

And it is not helpful to you or your child to blame yourself, it is not a productive use of your energy, and it takes your energy away from helping and supporting yourself and your child.

Maybe the self blame comes from your child getting angry and lashing out and blaming you. Or from family or friends blaming you.

If you are struggling with self blame, what can you do?

If the self blame is coming from your child blaming you, realize what is happening. Your child is angry…at their illness, at their circumstances, and may not be emotionally capable of rationally thinking through the fact that it is not your fault. You are there and safe and they are angry. But it is not about you and you do not have to accept the blame. Although the blame is out there from them but you do not have to pick it up.

If the self blame is coming from your friends or family blaming you, realize what is happening. Your family and friends may not understand mental illness or addiction. They are looking for someone to hold accountable and they assume that as a parent you have the ability to fix the situation. But people don’t have control over other people, and that includes parents. Your child is a separate being.

If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, imagine how it would feel to forgive?  How would you feel? What would your life be like? How would it be different?

If this is hard to do, imagine yourself wanting to forgive (imagine the desire to forgive). Appreciate that you were doing all you could with the resources at that moment. Make it a practice to imagine desire until you can imagine how it would feel to forgive yourself.

Let me know if this resonates with you and if you are having any difficulties related to self blame.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

It may feel like your mentally ill teen or young adult child blames you for their illness, their problems, and whatever else is happening in their life.

It may sometimes feel like they are so angry at you and even want to say hurtful things to you.

But here is the thing to remember…this is their illness talking, not who they truly are.

They are not in their normal state when they say these things.

They may be in a state of psychosis or other altered me mental state or a state induced by medication side affects or even drugs.

They are angry at their illness, their life, the world.

It is not you.  You are the one who is there.  You are the one who is a safe person for them.

Does this mean you have to stand there and listen to all the hurtful things they are saying?  No.  This is what loving boundaries are for and this is what self love is for.

But understanding what is happening, that they are not in their normal state of mind, that it is their illness talking, is crucial to having that compassion that will allow you to set boundaries with love, not put up walls between you and your child.

Loving boundaries protects your emotional well-being and also shows your child what you will and will not tolerate.

And lots of self love allows you to not internalize what they are saying so you don’t blame yourself.

So next time your son or daughter lashes out at you, remind yourself that they are doing the best they can with where they are right now in this moment in their illnesses and set boundaries with love and compassion and give yourself lots of love.

Let me know if this resonates with you.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

By the way, 4 days until the special discount of 27% off my private coaching package ends.