Debbie Gail Zane

In past relationships years ago I used to think that every time there was a problem in the relationship that we needed to have a long talk. Then I would tell him everything that was going wrong or that he was not doing. There were many “you” statements and a lot of blame. It always escalated into arguments and I ended up feeling disconnected from him and the relationship and feeling worse than before the “talk”.

Now I know better. This type of communication doesn’t work in a relationship.

It is not about throwing around blame and needing to be right and making him feel bad.

That doesn’t feel good for him, and probably won’t feel good for you either.

He will probably either shut down and walk away, or get defensive and angry. Neither of which are productive or increase connection and closeness in the relationship. And neither of which will get your needs met in the relationship.

Both people need to feel that their needs are valid and need to feel heard. This can be done by communicating your feelings, your needs, your boundaries in a loving and safe way.

One of the reasons I became a relationship coach was because I wanted to help you learn the skills for building a loving and fulfilling relationship. One where you can feel safe to communicate your needs and feelings and work through disagreements, all while still building connection in the relationship. You see, life isn’t always smooth and perfect…as humans we are all imperfect. We can’t expect everything to go perfectly in the relationship but we can learn how to communicate better so our relationships grow deeper. Our relationships are such an important part of our lives.

What is vulnerability and why is it so important in a relationship?

Vulnerability is allowing someone to see your true authentic self. The real you. Not who or what you are pretending to be.

When you are withholding part of yourself or your true feelings, you are controlling what the other person sees and are not being vulnerable.

When you are not vulnerable, you have a mask on and someone cannot get to know the real you.

Why is vulnerability so important?

When you aren’t being your true authentic self, you may not attract the man who is the right person for you. He will be attracted to who you are pretending to be and the true you, the one you are hiding, will not feel cherished, loved and adored.

Vulnerability is needed in order for your relationship to grow and the connection to deepen.

You need to be able to share your feelings if you want a man to cherish them.

In order for him to meet your needs he needs to know what they are.

If you want him to make you happy he needs to know how.

Vulnerability requires you to connect with your feelings and understand your desires and what feels good and what doesn’t. And it requires you to really trust…trust yourself, trust him, trust the relationship, and trust that the universe has your back.

For me, it was my fears that used to prevent me from being vulnerable. My fear that sharing my feelings or needs would push a man away or that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted.

But realizing that my relationships didn’t grow when I wasn’t being my true self. And realizing that I couldn’t create the relationship that I truly desired that would make me happy, until I could connect with my own feelings and express them and speak my truth in a loving way. These realizations are what allowed me to finally push past my fears and truly be vulnerable.