Debbie Gail Zane

When you hear the word boundaries, do you think of something harsh?

Do you feel if you set boundaries with your teen or adult child that you will have to hold back your loving emotions in order to stick to your boundaries?

If you answered yes to these questions, let’s work on changing your views around boundaries.

Boundaries can be set to protect your well being which will in turn allow you to feel better emotionally thus be able to be in a better position to support your child.

When used properly they can actually allow you to have a loving relationship with your child… because you trust yourself to stick to the boundaries you set, you feel safe spending time with them.

They are not set to punish or with any punitive intention.

Rather they are set so you can enjoy your child without getting caught up in becoming a victim of circumstances.

An example of a situation where you can set a loving boundary is if every time your child calls to ask for money, you get resentful because you feel like you can’t get off the phone without giving them more money even though you just gave them some and wonder where it went. Putting up a wall would be to stop answering your phone when they call. Setting a boundary would be to decide, for example, that you will give them x amount per week and that if they call for more you will say no. When you set this for yourself ahead of time, you don’t have to get worn down by them on the call. You can simply remind them that you are willing to give them x amount per week and they won’t get more money until ______ day, then continue on with another topic with them.  But what about if they become unkind by screaming at you after that?  You can also set a boundary for yourself that you will not stay on the phone when this happens, so you can calmly remind them of this boundary, tell them you love them, and hang up.

Boundaries really are tools to help you to experience a loving relationship with your child because they help you feel safe emotionally so allow you to continue to connect with your love for them, and your child to still feel your love.

Walls are energy blocks that prevent your son or daughter from feeling your love. Even though you love them, they don’t feel it. When this happens, the relationship can break down.

When you feel secure with your boundaries, things can begin to feel easier.

I would love to know how are you doing with boundaries?

Sending love and light,

Debbie

I am beyond excited that I finished the manuscript for my book I am writing on my journey of the love and loss of my son through his mental illness and addiction and I have officially given it to the editor to begin getting it ready for publishing!

Life does not always give us what we are expecting and can bring many challenges that can make us question our ability to handle the pain. When my oldest son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at age seventeen after being hospitalized for nearly a month and then became addicted to drugs and alcohol, I wasn’t prepared for how to deal with what I would be up against and the fear and anxiety I would experience. My life at times felt consumed by his hospital visits, treatment center stays, drug use, battles over seeing a therapist and psychiatrist and taking his medications. I faced terrifying realities when I almost lost him several times in his late teens and early twenties. Through it all I had a loving relationship with him and found my path to peace.

After he passed away at the age of twenty-six, I felt pain like I had never experienced before and I had no idea how I would ever find a way to go on. In that moment, my life had forever changed.

Through the darkness, it was so hard to see the light. While holding him in my heart, I was guided to attend a book writing workshop and join a writer’s community. Everything then became clear. I felt called to write this book to share my story with the hope that it would help other parents who have a child with mental illness or addiction or who have lost a child.

If you want more information on my upcoming book, visit my website to sign up for newsletter using the link below.

Sometimes it’s easy to put things off… you may reason with yourself “I can work on this later, time will help resolve this issue, I will figure this out later, I don’t have the resources.”

And before you know it, later has turned into weeks, months, even years where nothing has changed.

You are still dealing with the same struggles and difficulties.

Why does this happen?

The primary reason is because you don’t know how to solve the issue.

When this happens, you don’t know what actions you need to take to achieve what you want so you don’t have a plan.

Or you don’t see how a proposed solution will lead to solving your problem and achieving what you want now.

Since you do not see how to get the thing your want easily, it gets put off.

Instead it’s easier to work on the things you know how to solve easily, the things you already know the answers to, and to stay stuck in the problem you are familiar with being in.

But this will not ultimately give you fulfilment and growth.

I often speak with parents who tell me that they don’t know how to improve their relationship with their teen or young adult with mental illness or addiction.  They don’t see a path to get there because it hasn’t worked yet, so they resign themselves to thinking that it’s not possible unless their child changes.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

With my own relationship with my oldest son, if I had resigned myself to this thinking then I would not have had the close and loving relationship with him that I did. I would not have had so many memories that I now cherish.

Can you relate? Do you have something you have been putting off?

Sending love and light,

Debbie