Debbie Gail Zane

What if?

Are these words defining how you are living your life as a parent?

What if he hangs out with friends who are using drugs? What if she starts drinking again?  What if he overdoses?  What if her mental illness symptoms worsen?

Are you imagining the worst and always anticipating what may go wrong next?

When you allow past experiences or scenarios you imagine to cause you to be fearful about the future, you are already living in that grief now.  You are already living as if your worst fear has happened.

In order to start being present and have some peace, stop projecting.

The future you are projecting may never come but you will live in it now if you continue on the path of what ifs.

And living in the grief now will not prepare you for if something does happen, but not being present with your loved ones will rob you of precious time with them.

Are you struggling with the challenges of having a son or daughter with mental illness or addiction?  I have developed a unique process which provides holistic tools and strategies for navigating grief, loss, pain, hopelessness, overwhelm, and fear that can result from this experience.  In my coaching program I walk with you on your journey, helping you regain your natural emotional resilience and self love and find peace and purpose in your life.  No more living in the what ifs!  To find out more, send me a message.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

If you feel stressed during interactions with your teen or adult child and it seems like you are fighting against each other when it comes to their mental illness or addiction, you are not alone.

Often they do not see things the same way you do.

You start off on the same side… both going to battle against their illness so they can have a good life.

But somehow things shift and you feel like you are at war against each other.

When this happens, it is important to remember that they do not have the same emotional capacity as you due to their illness.

You want them to be happy. They want that too but they don’t see the path to get there, even when you tell them what they need.

While you can’t make them do things your way, you can work on having a more positive experience with them.

I know it’s so hard when it feels like the war is against you. But what really is happening is that you are there and a safe person and they are angry at their illness, their predicament.

Also, if to them it feels like every interaction and conversation is about their illness or addiction, they will eventually tune out.  There needs to be more to your relationship than their illness.

Get to know them better.  What are their interests/hobbies?  What do you have in common with them?  How can you incorporate your commonalities into your communications with them?

Put yourself in their shoes – thinking about things from what you know about their personality, values, and emotions.

If the thought of spending time with them makes you feel stressed and anxious, your brain is likely fixated on how things have been during each of these difficult times.

So, before spending time together, try this: Visualize in your mind what your ideal time together would look like. What would you be doing together? How would you feel? Imagine a lighter conversation than the normal heavy conversation and maybe even see yourself smiling at the joy of being with your child and how nice it feels. Keep doing this visualization often until it becomes as familiar as your memory of being at odds with each other.

Are you struggling with the challenges of having a son or daughter with mental illness or addiction?  I have developed a unique process which provides holistic tools and strategies for navigating grief, loss, pain, hopelessness, overwhelm, and fear that can result from this experience.  In my coaching program I walk with you on your journey, helping you regain your natural emotional resilience and self love and find peace and purpose in your life.  This almost always positively impacts your relationship with your child.  To find out more, the link is in the comments.

Sending love and light,

Debbie

If you have a teen or adult child with mental illness or addiction and you are struggling with feelings of guilt, self-blame or self-doubt, you may be making one of these mistakes-

Taking things personally. When things are not going well with your child, do you blame yourself and make everything that is happening about you? Not taking things personally helped me emotionally and in my relationship with my oldest son. His actions and choices were not about me. Even when he lashed out at me, it was not about me.  He was dealing with his own feelings of anger about his illness and he lashed out at me because I was the safe person who he knew would love and accept him unconditionally.  And his internal mental state played a role in his behavior.  He didn’t want his illness just like I didn’t want it for him. Understanding this meant I didn’t need to get defensive, blame myself, or make things about me.

Not accepting your limitations of not being able to fix your child’s illness. As a parent, I had seen myself as being responsible for his behaviors, his choices, and his decisions. I believed it was up to me to fix things. This led to becoming frustrated with myself and more self-blame.  Instead, I learned to practice self-compassion—being gentle, kind, and patient with myself. Realizing my limitations was a key step for me and allowed me to be more compassionate with myself.  I didn’t need to feel guilty or feel that I failed as a parent.

Are you struggling with the challenges of having a son or daughter with mental illness or addiction?  I have developed a unique process which provides holistic tools and strategies for navigating grief, loss, pain, hopelessness, overwhelm, and fear that can result from this experience.  In my coaching program I walk with you on your journey, helping you regain your natural emotional resilience and self love and find peace and purpose in your life.  To find out more, the link is in the comments.

Sending love and light,

Debbie