Debbie Gail Zane

Certainty is one of the six needs we have…it means something you can count on, predictability, stability…even commitment.

We need some degree of certainty in our lives and relationships…how much depends on each individual.

You can meet this need for yourself by having routines and structure in your day, week, life.  Predictable things you can count on.

So if certainty is a need in a relationship, why do we also need uncertainty too?   Maybe this doesn’t feel good to hear.  Maybe you think you don’t want any uncertainty in your relationship.

What if you think of uncertainty as variety and unpredictability…this is a positive way to think about it.

Uncertainty actually helps to build and maintain attraction in a relationship.  Which is especially important early on in the relationship, but is also important throughout.

When you maintain some mystery, some unpredictability in living your life, this adds to the interplay of certainty and uncertainty that fuels attraction in your relationship.

When everything you do in your life and your relationship and everything your partner does becomes predictable, while this can foster feelings of love and warmth by meeting the need for certainty, this can become boring over time and attraction can diminish.   Maintaining some newness, spontaneity, excitement, unpredictability…all create some polarity and a healthy space for attraction.  And a natural balance of warmth and distance.

You can create this by connecting with yourself because when you focus on you, you become focused on doing a variety of activities that are important to you.  When you lose focus on your own life and only focus on your partner, you disconnect with what makes you, you.  Your uniqueness that you bring to the relationship. Also when you lose focus on you, you lose touch with your lighter energy and more spontaneous and playful side because you are too worried about what others think.

So connect with you…what makes you unique, what brings you joy, what lightens your energy…connect with this and live from this space.

I talk a lot about commitment to yourself and how this is an important part of self love.

One example of commitment to yourself is honoring yourself and your values.

Commitment to one’s self means following through on something…setting an intention for yourself.

When you set an intention to honor yourself and your values, you need to have alignment with this.

What do I mean?

If something is important to you, stick to it.

Don’t just think oh yes this is what I feel or what I believe….this will work for me…this doesn’t work for me.

Actually take action to bring the life you are living in alignment with your values.  If something doesn’t work for you, it’s not for you and that’s okay.

For example, if you are with a partner who has a different value than yours…think about how this would fit into your life.  Can you accept and honor your values and his and the differences?  Different beliefs in something may not work for you, and that’s okay.  It doesn’t make either one of you wrong or bad, it just makes you different.  If this is something you can’t accept in a partner and it goes against your values, honor yourself.

It doesn’t matter what this value is…but it belongs to you and part of loving yourself unconditionally is honoring your values.

The right partner for you is the one you love and accept just the way they are.  Not the one you hope will change.

There are many amazing and wonderful people out there and being with someone you can’t accept something about them isn’t honoring you or them.  Trying to change another person doesn’t feel good for you or them.

Just like you deserve to have your feelings, values, and thoughts honored, they do too.

On the other hand, you want to be careful you are not rejecting people who you are looking to find something wrong with…this can be a fear of getting close to someone, indicating a deeper fear of rejection or abandonment.

Be true to yourself.  Be open to the possibilities that are out there for you.  Make space for those possibilities.  Let go, with love, of what doesn’t work for you.  This is the energy of how you can live your life.  Accept others and accept yourself.  Allow others to live their truth, and you live your truth.