Debbie Gail Zane

Mother’s Day is right around the corner.

Whether you are grieving the loss of your child or grieving due to having a child with mental illness and/or addiction, this can be a difficult time filled with pain, sadness, unpredictability, stress, uncertainty.

How can you get through this day?  Here are some things I have found helpful for me-

Carve out time for you

Take some time for you and take some time for your grief first.  Maybe that is doing something that feels soothing for your pain.  Maybe that is simply allowing your feelings and giving them space.  Or even journaling because writing through grief and loss can be therapeutic.

When you have other children you will spend time with on Mother’s Day, taking this time for your own grief first is so important.

Meaning and purpose

If you have lost a child, doing something meaningful or that honors your child.  You could visit their gravesite or talk out loud to them, go to a place they loved, do something they enjoyed doing, write a letter to your child.

If your child has mental illness or addiction, holding the space for your child.  Seeing them as a whole person, not just their illness or addiction, and connecting with their soul, who they truly are.  It may help to write them a letter, even if you don’t give the letter to them.

Sending lots of love to all mothers  

My most difficult Mother’s Days for me personally have been the ones since I lost my oldest son.  This is the third one without him here physically.  He is always with me though, in everything I do especially through my purpose work helping parents.  I do things that feel good to me and are meaningful including visiting his gravesite and spending time talking to him, writing a letter to him, reading an excerpt from my book (the first year, I spent time working on writing the book), visiting places he loved.  I feel myself drawn to parks with soccer fields and wide trails because before his mental illness and addiction he spent many years enjoying playing travel soccer and running in cross country meets.  

Sending love and light,

Debbie 

I’m so excited to announce that on Saturday May 18 I will be doing a book signing event at the Barnes and Noble in Fredericksburg, VA for my book Finding and Purpose Amidst the Tears: My Journey of the Love and Loss of My Son through His Mental Illness and Addiction.  If you are in the area, I would love for you to stop by!

https://stores.barnesandnoble.com/event/9780062169145-0

Anger may be one of those emotions you don’t want to feel.  Maybe you are trying to suppress it because you feel you should not feel angry or that others are judging you for your anger.

If you have a child with mental illness or addiction, you may feel angry at your child for their behavior, for using drugs, for refusing treatment for their illness.  You may be angry at yourself because you can’t fix things for your child or because you feel you should have handled things differently.  You may be angry at their illness – “why does it have to burden your child?”

If you lost a child, you may feel angry at the circumstances surrounding their death or angry at life.

Behind the anger, there is pain.

Understanding this can help you understand what is happening and have more compassion for yourself and your feelings.  You are in pain.  Pain can come out in anger.  Pain can come out in sadness.  You may recognize it more in sadness and you may feel this is a more acceptable emotion for you to feel.

All your emotions are valid.  All are acceptable.  All are part of the grieving process.

Give yourself compassion and understanding.

Sending love and light,

Debbie