Debbie Gail Zane

You may be inadvertently judging your teen or young adult child, even when you think you are not being judgmental.

Maybe sometimes you minimize their feelings and other times you acknowledge them.

For example, your twenty- four year old son confides in you that he is feeling down because he didn’t get the apartment he really wanted and is concerned he won’t find something he really likes.  You remember you once went through something similar and it all worked out fine for you, so you wave your hand and say it will be fine there are lots of apartments, cheer up.  Then when he is sad because he wasn’t able to spend his birthday doing something nice because he was sick, you remember how important birthdays are to you and that when you have been sick on your birthday you felt sad, so you give your son a hug and lovingly say you really understand how he feels.

The thing is, if your son or daughter is feeling something, whatever it is, it is real for them in that moment.  Even if you yourself would not feel the same way in that situation, that doesn’t mean their feelings are not genuine and important.  When you validate some of their feelings (the ones you agree with) and not all of them (not the ones where you would not feel the same), you are placing your own judgment on which circumstances are worthy of these feelings.

How would you feel if your parents supported you in some things you were experiencing while minimizing other things that seemed very important to you?  Not so good probably.  Not very supported if in the moment that you feel awful.

What can you do to not judge your teen or young adult child?

You can let them know that you understand what they are feeling is real.  You can listen and hear them.  You can offer your support.  They may just want to know you are there to listen and are a loving support in their life.  Ask them if there is anything you can do to support them.

Realizing that what is important to one person may not be exactly the same as another person takes awareness.  Everyone is unique.  When you can really embrace the uniqueness of your son or daughter and not assume they will feel the same way you would, that is real growth.

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When you take a moment and reflect on something you can appreciate, big or small, it can shift your whole mindset from resentment or sadness or anger to something more positive.

Focusing your energy on something you appreciate allows you to attract more positive experiences that you can appreciate…whether these are new experiences or just the new awareness of positive things you ignored and can now appreciate.

Getting into this space allows to to be open to becoming aware of the things your partner does or about your relationship that you can appreciate.

When you appreciate and share your appreciation with your partner, you are less likely to take him and the relationship for granted, less likely to focus on smaller “problems” that don’t really matter and less likely to feel resentful.

I invite you to try this…think of anything in your life you appreciate and allow yourself to feel the joy that accompanies the thoughts of this experience.  See from there how much you can appreciate in other areas of your life and in your relationship.  Please feel free to share here!

Do you hang on to something your teen or young adult did that was wrong or something he or she said that felt hurtful?  Do these past experiences seem to affect your relationship now?  Does a part of you feel you can’t or shouldn’t forgive them?

Forgiveness is an act of self love.  It is for you.  And not forgiving also impacts your relationship with your child because when you hold onto past anger and resentment, these emotions permeate your present communications and interactions with them.

The anger, resentment, and hurt literally become poison in your mind and body.

Forgive your son or daughter not because what they did was okay but because you deserve to be free from the suffering related to not forgiving and you choose to prioritize your loving relationship with them.

Remember that whatever they did had nothing to do with you.  Nothing others do is because of you.  It’s their own stuff coming up that they are dealing with.

Forgive for your own healing.  To be free from the hold over your emotional state that this hurt has been causing. Free so you can move past it and no longer have it resurface into your daily life.

Think about when you are watching a movie…see the picture on the screen change…what if the previous image was still there underneath the new one?  A different result, right?  This is what happens in your present moments when you hang onto past wrongs.

You were born with the natural capacity to forgive.  It is a learned behavior to hold on to the anger and resentment.

Compassion and understanding lead to forgiveness.

And when you can forgive and move on, you do wonders for your relationship with your son or daughter.

If you are having a hard time forgiving…

Imagine how it would feel to forgive your teen or young adult.  How would you feel?  What would your life be like?  How would it be different?

If this is hard to do, imagine yourself wanting to forgive (imagine the desire to forgive).  Appreciate that at the time of what happened, they were doing all they could with the resources at that moment.  Make it a practice to imagine desire until you can imagine how it would feel to forgive them in the exercise above.

Ask yourself is there is a belief that, if you did forgive, you are robbing yourself of something.  If so, locate that belief in your body, add compassion and love to it, and repeat the exercises above.

You have truly forgiven when you don’t have a strong emotional response related to the past wrong and you feel at peace.